I Used to Like People Before Facebook

From the title of this post you may surmise that I am an evil bitch that hates people. That is only partially true. I truly hate only a select few people in this world. I hatelight (yes, I made this phrase up and doesn't it sound like some kinda diet drink? Maybe it should be called HATElite—that seems more catchy!) annoying members of my Facebook fam. I don't really hate them, I just hate their stupidy at times.

Since I've been on paid vacation (ahem, was laid off from my most current job due to a huge merger/acquisition), I've had more time to spend online applying to new jobs and networking.

More time online = more time spent looking at my damn BB = more time noticing how fucking annoying people can be when it comes to Facebook.

This post is a list of my Facebook-related pet peeves. Nothing more than that. I'm doing a list because I'm in Vegas on vacation visiting my rents right now and this is the quickest way to get a damn post done. My most recent post was from October 2009...forgive me, my fellow hatewatchers, real life gets in the way of virtual life—as it should!

MY FACEBOOK PET PEEVES

(in no particular order and yes, I have done a few of the below acts before I realized how annoying I was)

Weather-related shit. We get it, we get it. Cold sucks and warm rules. Get over it! Especially when the weather that is occurring is normal for where you live. For example, I live in Jersey (fistpump!) and it gets cold during the winter and humidly hot during the summer. I don't post a status complaining about this each and every fucking time the weather is not to my liking. My long-term goal is to move west. I'm done complaining about it, I'm just gonna focus on my goal.

Games. Please don't ask me to Bejewel you, or give you a glock for Mafia Wars. I don't wanna grow a Green Patch. I'm 32 and can find more interesting things to do during the day (especially during the WORK day) than play some dumbass games. Don't get me wrong, I love me some Wii Fit, but come on now people.

24/7/365 negative people. If I wanted to deal with a bunch of emos all day, I'd work at Hot Topic. Seriously, sometimes life sucks. Sometimes you write a negative status to vent. But, EVERY FUCKING DAY??? You must be kidding me with this shit. Yes, life is SO HARD that your mas puto yuppie ass has time to whine and rant on FB via a $200+ PDA about every fucking thing that pissed you off all day. Why not try blogging a couple times a month? (Wink!) It'll save you some time and people will not defriend you anymore. Or they still might. Whatever.

Bullshit friend requests. If you are not my friend or at least a friendly acquaintance that I recently clicked with and will probably get to know better over the years, please don't request me. It's just that simple. If I didn't like you in high school or vice versa, then the same is probably true now. I've lived without getting a daily status update from you in almost 15 years, then I can probably live out the rest of my life not viewing pictures of your babies and pets. Merci!

Big upping spouses and the gifts that they bought you and/or the places they took you for various occasions. Women tend to this this A LOT (I have done it one time, but that was Guy Savoy!). Are you planning to auction off your husby sometime soon and want to tout his positive traits? While I'm very happy that you're happy, do I need to know every single thing ya'll did for your anniversary/birthday/Columbus Day? Isn't it assumed that you love your husband? You don't need to status it, fool.

MySpace-esque profile pics. We get that you find yourself highly attractive. Ladies, I understand that you love your cleavage. But, do you need to crop profile photos in certain ways to ensure your jugs are waaaay prominent? It's FACEbook, not TITSbook. I'm not a hater, I love your breast-eses, I love my breast-eses, we all love our breast-eses. (And we all want ice cream!) But, dude, put that skank shit on MySpace. For realz!!

Also, those with LOOKATME! profile pics tend to also be chronic profile pic updaters. I know that you are just way cute and have many cute pics of yourself (taken by yourself with your PDA), but no need to update daily, okay? I bet Angelina and JLo don't even update their profile pics every day/hour/minute...and they should, they're hot! Now, if you get gender reassignment surgery, then yes, please update your profile pic, so I can give you props on how great you look! I shouldn't even talk shit about profile pics, as mine has been, for months, Bobby Lee (you NOT funny!) holding one of the American Girl dolls.

Chronic status updaters. This is touchy subject as many of my dearest friends are suffering from chronic status update syndrome. It's the nagging need to post status all day long about EVERYTHING you do. Of course, I'm not saying that every item I status (yes, I've made it a verb) is groundshaking, but then again, I update my status a couple times a month, not a couple times an hour.

I know Socrates believed that "the unexamined life is not worth living," but I highly doubt he meant that you should update status each time you have a snack or take a dump. And I beg of you, please do not update your status while on vacay...enjoy your time and focus on the moment with the person/people you went on the trip with! Here's my status...The Hatewatcher thinks you're a complete douche and does not care what you had for dinner every night of the past month.

Attention hounds. You know who you are out there. Some people insist on writing vague and short (and sometimes medically alarming) status updates that will surely draw a bunch of "what's wrong?????!!!" responses. If you need attention that bad, you need to get off FB and get some damn help already. Or, just apply to be on season two of Jersey Shore-ah.

"Deep" shit. Stop posting several paragraphs of poetry, quotations, etc., as your status updates. We get it, you know how to read and have picked up a book at least once (or can Google pretty damn well!). Now, let me call myself out. I currently have lyrics from a Nina Simone song (LOVE that woman and that voice!). But, I limited it to a couple lines, not THE ENTIRE SONG. And for you Jesus freaks, puhlease stop posting big-ass (hyphen or not?) chunks of the Bible. I have already read the entire thing and own a copy. Didn't know that did ya??? See, I keep the surprises coming, my friends.

Captain Obvious. Let's establish from this point forward, that in the modern world, Mondays suck and Fridays rule. Nuff said. Stop posting every fucking Monday about how blue you are and every fucking Friday about how you can't wait for the weekend. NO SHIT! You gotta work for a living or become a fame whore like Tila Tequila. Get over it.

I'm sure I'm missing a lot of FB pet peeves. I plan to write a follow-up post with more shit I hate regarding the FB world.

Got ideas about this post or future ones? Email them to hatewatchersblog@gmail.com. I'd love to hate from you! (Pun intended.)

Maybe it's Your Va-jay-jay

I’ve got a silly rant today. One of my biggest pet peeves are people at work that always have to wrinkle their noses dramatically and ask “whose food smells???” whenever there are unfamiliar food smells – which, if you work in a diverse company filled with people who eat all kinds of food – is bound to happen. These morons also have to sniff profusely several times just in case you are retarded like them and don’t understand what all the nose wrinkling and questions mean.

Today I was tired and cranky because last night I broke down and had some fast food. It was a moment of weakness that wasn’t worth it. I got out of my jail, er cube, and headed over to the kitchenette on my floor to microwave my Medifast soup – needed to get back on the healthy eating track after slipping so fast and furiously. On the way to the kitchen, a strong odor in the hallway assaulted my olfactory glands...smelled like fish that went bad. I didn’t really care because I didn’t smell it anymore once I hit the kitchen.

While I was warming up soup, I sat at one of the café-like tables (ooh la la, so French and yet so cheap) and perused some financial advisor brochures someone had left out. Not that I have money that would be worthwhile for any FA to manage, but I’m weird – I love looking at brochures to examine the paper stock and weight, font selections, stock images, etc. I guess I do this because I’m in marketing communications and those details are my life.

I do digress. Just as I closed my eyes to relax, an annoyingly perky voice exclaimed, “Something smells funky! What is that? What food is that? Whose food is that?” while wrinkling her nose and making the aforementioned exaggerated sniffing sounds. I was irritable and not in the mood to deal with lame people (not that I’m ever in the mood for that!). The three other people in the room and I ignored her at first, but she would NOT give up her smell investigation.

“What is that funky smell??” was repeated by said idiot about five times. I couldn’t stand it anymore. I finally broke down and answered, “well, it’s ain’t (yes I know I am in communications, but I do not always speak properly, okay?) mine because I have flavorless beef stew from my diet plan (I like to refer to it as my alternative eating lifestyle).” She actually responded, “Oh yeah, maybe it’s the soup!” Yup, she’s not the brightest bulb in the Home Depot or insert your preferred big box store here. I rolled my eyes and sighed. Oh great, I thought to myself, freakin’ CSI Hopewell over here wants to get to the bottom of the mystery smell.

She proceeds to reveal that the smell is “interesting” in addition to being “funky.” Kind of like CHINESE FOOD she proclaimed. WHAT THE FUCK???? Oh yeah and you would know because you eat so much AUTHENTIC Chinese food, right? I was extremely pissed off now. “Umm…yea no. I am Chinese and cook and eat Chinese food and it does not smell INTERESTING and/or FUNKY.” She then attempted desperate damage control and said, “Oh, I think Chinese food smells good, though.” OKAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY…Needless to say, I was so over this corny chick already. But I wish I had said what I think really smelled…HA!