Saturday, January 9, 2010

I Used to Like People Before Facebook

From the title of this post you may surmise that I am an evil bitch that hates people. That is only partially true. I truly hate only a select few people in this world. I hatelight (yes, I made this phrase up and doesn't it sound like some kinda diet drink? Maybe it should be called HATElite—that seems more catchy!) annoying members of my Facebook fam. I don't really hate them, I just hate their stupidy at times.

Since I've been on paid vacation (ahem, was laid off from my most current job due to a huge merger/acquisition), I've had more time to spend online applying to new jobs and networking.

More time online = more time spent looking at my damn BB = more time noticing how fucking annoying people can be when it comes to Facebook.

This post is a list of my Facebook-related pet peeves. Nothing more than that. I'm doing a list because I'm in Vegas on vacation visiting my rents right now and this is the quickest way to get a damn post done. My most recent post was from October 2009...forgive me, my fellow hatewatchers, real life gets in the way of virtual life—as it should!

(in no particular order and yes, I have done a few of the below acts before I realized how annoying I was)

Weather-related shit. We get it, we get it. Cold sucks and warm rules. Get over it! Especially when the weather that is occurring is normal for where you live. For example, I live in Jersey (fistpump!) and it gets cold during the winter and humidly hot during the summer. I don't post a status complaining about this each and every fucking time the weather is not to my liking. My long-term goal is to move west. I'm done complaining about it, I'm just gonna focus on my goal.

Games. Please don't ask me to Bejewel you, or give you a glock for Mafia Wars. I don't wanna grow a Green Patch. I'm 32 and can find more interesting things to do during the day (especially during the WORK day) than play some dumbass games. Don't get me wrong, I love me some Wii Fit, but come on now people.

24/7/365 negative people. If I wanted to deal with a bunch of emos all day, I'd work at Hot Topic. Seriously, sometimes life sucks. Sometimes you write a negative status to vent. But, EVERY FUCKING DAY??? You must be kidding me with this shit. Yes, life is SO HARD that your mas puto yuppie ass has time to whine and rant on FB via a $200+ PDA about every fucking thing that pissed you off all day. Why not try blogging a couple times a month? (Wink!) It'll save you some time and people will not defriend you anymore. Or they still might. Whatever.

Bullshit friend requests. If you are not my friend or at least a friendly acquaintance that I recently clicked with and will probably get to know better over the years, please don't request me. It's just that simple. If I didn't like you in high school or vice versa, then the same is probably true now. I've lived without getting a daily status update from you in almost 15 years, then I can probably live out the rest of my life not viewing pictures of your babies and pets. Merci!

Big upping spouses and the gifts that they bought you and/or the places they took you for various occasions. Women tend to this this A LOT (I have done it one time, but that was Guy Savoy!). Are you planning to auction off your husby sometime soon and want to tout his positive traits? While I'm very happy that you're happy, do I need to know every single thing ya'll did for your anniversary/birthday/Columbus Day? Isn't it assumed that you love your husband? You don't need to status it, fool.

MySpace-esque profile pics. We get that you find yourself highly attractive. Ladies, I understand that you love your cleavage. But, do you need to crop profile photos in certain ways to ensure your jugs are waaaay prominent? It's FACEbook, not TITSbook. I'm not a hater, I love your breast-eses, I love my breast-eses, we all love our breast-eses. (And we all want ice cream!) But, dude, put that skank shit on MySpace. For realz!!

Also, those with LOOKATME! profile pics tend to also be chronic profile pic updaters. I know that you are just way cute and have many cute pics of yourself (taken by yourself with your PDA), but no need to update daily, okay? I bet Angelina and JLo don't even update their profile pics every day/hour/minute...and they should, they're hot! Now, if you get gender reassignment surgery, then yes, please update your profile pic, so I can give you props on how great you look! I shouldn't even talk shit about profile pics, as mine has been, for months, Bobby Lee (you NOT funny!) holding one of the American Girl dolls.

Chronic status updaters. This is touchy subject as many of my dearest friends are suffering from chronic status update syndrome. It's the nagging need to post status all day long about EVERYTHING you do. Of course, I'm not saying that every item I status (yes, I've made it a verb) is groundshaking, but then again, I update my status a couple times a month, not a couple times an hour.

I know Socrates believed that "the unexamined life is not worth living," but I highly doubt he meant that you should update status each time you have a snack or take a dump. And I beg of you, please do not update your status while on vacay...enjoy your time and focus on the moment with the person/people you went on the trip with! Here's my status...The Hatewatcher thinks you're a complete douche and does not care what you had for dinner every night of the past month.

Attention hounds. You know who you are out there. Some people insist on writing vague and short (and sometimes medically alarming) status updates that will surely draw a bunch of "what's wrong?????!!!" responses. If you need attention that bad, you need to get off FB and get some damn help already. Or, just apply to be on season two of Jersey Shore-ah.

"Deep" shit. Stop posting several paragraphs of poetry, quotations, etc., as your status updates. We get it, you know how to read and have picked up a book at least once (or can Google pretty damn well!). Now, let me call myself out. I currently have lyrics from a Nina Simone song (LOVE that woman and that voice!). But, I limited it to a couple lines, not THE ENTIRE SONG. And for you Jesus freaks, puhlease stop posting big-ass (hyphen or not?) chunks of the Bible. I have already read the entire thing and own a copy. Didn't know that did ya??? See, I keep the surprises coming, my friends.

Captain Obvious. Let's establish from this point forward, that in the modern world, Mondays suck and Fridays rule. Nuff said. Stop posting every fucking Monday about how blue you are and every fucking Friday about how you can't wait for the weekend. NO SHIT! You gotta work for a living or become a fame whore like Tila Tequila. Get over it.

I'm sure I'm missing a lot of FB pet peeves. I plan to write a follow-up post with more shit I hate regarding the FB world.

Got ideas about this post or future ones? Email them to I'd love to hate from you! (Pun intended.)


  1. Although I agree with everything you wrote, and am very guilty of many of them myself...I feel facebook would be extremely quiet without all those annoying posts!! It just wouldn't be facebook!

  2. :)

    I am so guilty many fronts (although, i think i was an innovator by being the first FBer to Avatar myself). It's the mark of a true FB addict. I do own this.

    You go on hatin' gurrl LOL you're making me laugh so hard i'm cryin'!!

  3. So well written and hilarious. I love your humor. And I am worried how many of these faux pas I am guilty of...

  4. Hi Linda, thanks for the comment. You're totally right, all those things I gripe about is what actually makes Facebook what it is. I'm sure if everyone was like me -- a relatively boring FB user -- I'd never log onto FB! LOL ;)

    P.S. Your status banter with Scott is something for my "what I love about FB list." I think you two should have your blog just containing your hilarious status and replies!!

  5. Could someone here please point me to the men's washroom?

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