Wednesday, July 22, 2009

Fatty Fatty Two by Four

Does anyone know of a local Baby Weight Watchers program I can enroll my five-month old in? Apparently, "experts" (clueless friends, relatives of friends, etc.,) have confirmed that my son is overweight. Yes, you read it here. My baby boy is already fat and in desperate need of a pilates class.

Now, I admit I am fat (and have even more to love now that I have had a baby) and need to get my physical fitness on more, but I am an adult. I can control what, how, where, when and why I eat. Sometimes I eat healthy and sometimes...not so much. I may eat sometimes even when I'm not hungry. But babies eat because they are...wait for it...hungry. Imagine that!

The first few times I was asked how much Baby ate, I didn't mind at all. Now after being asked over and over (and now by the same people over and over), it is really getting FUCKING TIRED. Get a new question! (Click here to see other obnoxious stuff people ask/tell me.)

One friend of mine asks me all the time how much Baby is eating and a few times even laughed and mentioned that he ate as much as an almost-two year old in her family. Let me clarify. My Baby is almost five months old and eats about six to six-and-a-half ounces of formula at each feeding, which is well within guidelines. This amount varies during times he is in pain from teething (four or five ounces only) or is in a growth spurt (seven ounces). Formula is all that he consumes. The two-year old that my friend mentioned surely consumes more than just formula, right?

It's like this. If I said I drank eight ounces of soda a day only and another person drinks eight ounces of soda and eats three meals plus snacks that the fucking same, Sherlock?? (The answer is no, just in case you are a bit slow.)

So my Fat Baby is apparently able to deceive his pediatrician during our visits, because Dr. B proclaims Baby's development as "excellent" and has no qualms about telling me that Baby is in the 90th percentile for weight (16.5 pounds at a little over four months). Last time I checked, babies are supposed to have some meat on them, right? Guess I'm slacking as a parent. First, I stopped breastfeeding and pumping and now I am overfeeding my Baby.

Just because my Baby is on formula doesn't mean that he can be overfed. YOU try and give this kid more than what he wants...he goes ballistic!!! I don't know how other babies are (because I am no expert as my friend and her relatives are, ya know!) but I do know that my Baby will throw a fit if you over- or underfeed him. And, why in world would I WANT to overfeed my baby? That's soooooo strange...perhaps other people have tried this on their own babies???? Who knows...

Another friend of mine has asked me about Baby's formula intake before because her own daughter is four days younger and on formula as well. So, she and I tend to ask one other (politely, mind you) questions involving feeding, milestones, etc. It's not a contest, we just want to gauge if we have the opportunity to exchange tips and share in the joy of our children developing at the same time.

The friend that kept asking me how much Baby ate for no reason also mentioned that people she was talking to mentioned Baby was overweight. Who are these people?? Do they work with Dr. B? If they know SO MUCH about my Baby, why don't they come over here and talk care of him for me, then? Better yet, pay some damn bills around here and shut the fuck up. Another great example of clueless, nosy, ridiculous people butting their noses into business they know nothing about.

They have no idea how hard I work to take care of Baby all day. They have no idea how I ensure he is fed properly. THEY are not around when he's in terrible pain from teething and can barely eat...which would be a win for them because then hopefully he'll lose some of that weight already, sheesh!

These dim people must admire those poor starving babies in Somalia and other third-world countries. All those ribs jutting out, fabulous. I can't wait to get my Baby on a rigorous exercise routine so he can wear his Speedo to the pool by Labor Day!

Just kidding! Seriously, though, we all have insecurities as parents. It's natural to doubt oneself at times. But, do not let your own lack of confidence became the reason for slinging arrows at my family. We are doing well and Baby is fly, fresh and flavorful...accordingly to all the feedback we receive from practically everyone my husby and I know. Not bad for a fat kid, huh?

Friday, July 17, 2009

Does Brad Pitt Change Diapers?

I never realized just how crazy and nosy people were until I became pregnant last June. People of all types (but mostly females, because as you know from my previous posts, they are motherfucking bonkers) would say to me and ask me super-TMI stuff.

My baby is now four months old and the insanity hasn't stopped. Here are some high(low?)lights:
  • Now that you know you are having a baby...the question is...are you two ready? (This coming from husby's "ultra-supportive" mother.)
  • Had you and your husband been trying to have a baby? (Oh, I'm sorry, I should have leaked the tapes like Ray-J and Kim Kardashian...)
  • Wow, you became pregnant so quickly after getting married! (CSI over here...nothing gets by you, huh?)
  • Wasn't she on the pill, though? (This came from one of my husby's male friends. Don't ask.)
  • Did you circumcise your baby? (No comment...)
  • Are you breastfeeding? Why not? (More on this sensitive topic can be found at my now infamous "Attack of the Breastfeeding Nazis" post.)
  • You should have more kids. (This topic will be covered in a future post, I promise.)
  • Does your husband change diapers????????????????
Okay, I really want to talk about that last question. Yes, my dear husby changes diapers. What kind of a question is that? No one asks him if I change diapers. The first few times I was asked this question, I didn't even care. Now, after being asked this on a daily basis, I am starting to get really pissed off. Hence this post.

I'm not here to spout off a bunch of feminist propaganda. And I know that every family and every relationship is different. What works for me may not work for everyone. People tell me all the time how wonderful my husband is because he changes diapers and takes care of the baby as often as he can when he is not working, commuting, running errands, etc. Don't get me wrong, I agree that husby is awesome...but not because he changes diapers. He is SUPPOSED TO DO THAT. I AM SUPPOSED TO DO THAT. THIS IS OUR CHILD, NUMBNUTS!

Husby is the shit (no pun intended!) because he supports me in all my endeavors while also reigning me when necessary. Before the baby was born, I never thought to ask husby IF he was going to change diapers and perform all the other baby-related tasks (well, not breastfeeding, duh). I KNEW he was going to do those things. I wouldn't have married the cat if I was unsure. I mean, really. Wake up, it's 2009.

Now, I'm not trying to sit here and say that he should do exactly 50% of the baby stuff. He can't...he owns his own company and has to work full-time plus. The thing is, I am ALSO working full-time plus. I may be on leave from my corporate job, but I am definitely putting in that overtime. So, because we both work like crazy, why should one of us get out of doing fundamental baby tasks?

Another interesting question related to the diapers topic is, "Are you back at work yet?". Hmm, no, I am still on vacation, I mean, maternity leave. Again, I know people mean no harm when they ask this, but again, COME ON. I thought I worked crazy hours at my corporate job! The baby keeps me busy even when he is down for a nap or for the night. I'm not one of the Real Housewives. I run a company, it's called Home, Inc. My husband and I are the co-CEOs and we have one direct report, the baby. In order to keep Home running smoothly, he and I have contribute as much as we can financially, emotionally, physically, etc.

Husby and I work together so that shit gets done. It doesn't really matter who does it. At the end of the day, the most important thing is that the baby is happy and healthy. That can only be accomplished by us being strong partners.