Tuesday, July 6, 2010

Love Letter to Hamilton, New Jersey (Part I)

Dearest Hamilton,

Recently, Joel Stein wrote a gushing article about Edison, New Jersey and Kal Penn responded to it. I know that our relationship has been fraught with ups and downs -- well, mostly downs, but no matter. It's time I sat down and penned my ode to you, oh Hamilton, home of all things Republican.

Where do I begin?

My love for pizza and pasta was never really quenched until I arrived in your ignorant pastures. What other town can boast of almost-100% Southern Italian cuisine? Where else can I peruse all of the local clip-n-save papers only to find page after exhaustive page of pizzeria reviews and coupons? Your lack of ethic cuisine diversity only makes me long for my faves -- Indian, Japanese, Thai, Vietnamese, Mexican, etc., even more. But, alas, the closest authentic eats of those varieties are in Central/North Jersey and Philly.

What a budget-conscious town! No point in spending hard-earned money on succulent pho. Now I can just drop a couple bucks and get slices and a soda. Or, I can saunter over to the Cracker Barrel. Now, nothing sez class like a restaurant with the words "Cracker" and "Barrel" in it! Move over, Buddhakhan! Eat a big one, Nobu. Stanton Social ... whatevs!

My passion for fashion has also dwindled since joining your borough. Don't get me wrong, when one thinks chic, one must look to Wal-Mart, BJs, Kohls and Kmart. This also is a great money-saving tactic.Who needs Jimmy Choos when you can invest in 10 for $10 shoes at the local dollar store? I've also noticed that the soccer moms in your village think that the more tacky, busy Coach bags they have equals how hip they are. Well, I'm sorry, but I cannot complete with that! These women rock Kate Gosselin haircuts and mom jeans -- I bow down to their epic style.

Well then, what about intellectual pursuits? The library has an old-world (i.e., dirty and dingy) charm that features retro carpet from the 70s. The lone bookstore is a B&N located right near my beloved Kohl's. No museums, no art galleries., etc. But, why would I need all those things when I can spend hours a day just catching all of the misspelled and/or brain-stimulating bumper stickers? Two great examples: "Eat Me, Bite Me, Please Me!" and "If Your Not First, Your Last!" Wow, I am in awe of the succinct glow of these pithy musings.

I'm getting verklempt over here. My love for you is surpassed only by the years of therapy I will require to recover after I am out of your presence. Let us part for now. I will continue my love letter at a later date.

Love you until Wal-Mart institutes an IQ and/or number-of-teeth minimum,
The Hatewatcher

P.S. For idiots that may have read this and gotten offended. THIS IS A SATIRE, STUPID. Gracias.